BAH BAH BLACK SHEEP
*Let’s be clear - this is the Cliff Note’s version. Ain’t nobody got time for the in-depth one, but if you stick around long enough, you’ll hear more and more of it.
The funny one.
The always okay one.
The support system behind the curtain.
The independent, can-do-everything one.
I was forever one of those people that, by fitting in everywhere, I really didn’t fit in anywhere at all (read more about “The 5th Grade Incident” here). My dad spent a career in the Navy and, thus, my family spent a lot of time moving around. I was conditioned to either learn to connect + relate fast or get really good at being alone. The funny thing is - I actually managed to get really good at both. It wasn’t until I reached a breaking point in my life that I realized what that had meant for the most authentic version of myself that had long been hidden underneath layers of the coping and defense mechanisms that being a chameleon and being fiercely independent actually were*.
In addition to the moving around, I was born the middle kid. While I know those of you that are the youngest and those of you that are the oldest just rolled your eyes at that, allow me to say simply this - birth order matters. It affects all of us - in vastly different ways, but affects us nonetheless - just the way being an only child affects us. These are all just part of the life experiences that we have no real control over that shape us.
In my adult years, I’m what’s classified as “the doer”, “the strong one”, “the always okay one”, “the one everyone can rely on”. In my previous adult life, I will tell you that’s an incredibly lonely place to exist. When everyone thinks you’re always okay - no one checks on you. When everyone assumes you can handle anything, no one offers to lend a hand. While you run around at the expense of yourself trying to pour into everyone else, nearly zero people (or exactly zero as was the case in my life much of the time) will pour into you in return.
People said to me “I just don’t know how you do it.” “Gosh, is there anything you can’t do?” “I’m sure it’s been a hard time, but you’re always okay and this time will be no different.”
What they didn’t know was that the answers to those statements were “Thanks, I don’t have a choice.” “Probably, but there’s nothing I can’t figure out because I’m the only one I can unequivocally rely on.” and “Thanks for glossing that right on over. I appreciate the support.” (Have I mentioned I can be a little sarcastic?)
I’d been misunderstood for my entire life, so while none of it was new, it didn’t make it less hard. Lone wolf life is pretty brutal, really. Not only are you constantly pouring time, energy, and emotion into others, but it takes a hell of a lot of energy to convince yourself you’re good with it - whether you’re paying attention or not.
Now see - from the outside, my life looks idyllic in a lot of ways. My parents have been married for going on 42 years and come from incredible families. They’re both book educated and smart. They’re fun to be around. My dad had a great career and steady work. There was consistency (other than the moving) and they both worked hard to keep things at home as normal as possible in the transitions. They’re wonderful people who absolutely wanted the best for us and worked hard to make it so. They did the best they knew how and it was pretty damn good. I have a million reasons to be grateful.
However, it took me a long time to accept that LOOKING idyllic and FEELING idyllic are very different things.
Also, and this is very important - there doesn’t have to be malice or the intention of harm in order for pain or trauma to exist.
AND - and this is immensely important, too - gratitude + pain can coexist.
Your life may LOOK picture perfect from the outside, but that doesn’t mean it feels good always or ever. This rings especially true in our modern society of social media and wild expectations of what success looks like and status symbols.
The reality is that the disconnect between those two things is causing immense amounts of stress, inner turmoil, and pain. That disconnect causes us to feel guilty for not feeling abundantly + perpetually happy with a life others think (from the outside) they would love to be living. When this disconnect exists, so often also exists:
Never feeling good enough and, thus, feeling like you constantly need to prove yourself and your worth to people
Issues with self-worth and confidence
Only feeling good when you’re serving others, because that’s when people pour on their appreciation + gratitude and you feel seen and validated for your hard work and energy
Being immensely lonely even though you appear to be well liked when “out and about”
Having a lot of “friends”, but nobody you can rely on to show up for you in the way you show up for others
Sometimes (often) being a doormat for other’s use & abuse, because you don’t want to “upset the apple cart” or “cause a riff” or because the other party is “going through a hard time”
Gaslighting yourself when someone hurts or disrespects you and making excuses on their behalf “Oh, they didn’t mean it that way.” “They’re just having a rough day” “They would never intentionally hurt me” instead of rightfully allowing yourself to voice your hurt (clearly & constructively, of course)
Putting literally everyone on the planet’s needs, wants, and desires ahead of your own to try to “earn” love and appreciation
Hear me say this - I feel you. I know in my bones what that disconnect feels like. This disconnect, frankly, destroyed me from the inside out. I existed in the world as a shell of myself, numb of emotion unless I needed to put on the “real world show” so that I didn’t make anybody feel uncomfortable that I was at the lowest point in my life. “They don’t deserve to be burdened by my not okayness,” I thought to myself. “Act normal.”
Again, from the outside, my life looked pretty damn good. I was making six figures selling real estate. I was married with the nice house and the pretty dogs and the car (nevermind that I would return to that house at the end of a day of “people-ing” and completely shut down from emotional exhaustion). At my breaking point, I tried. I tried to talk to people about the depression I was experiencing. I tried to talk to people about the immense challenges I was going through. There was emotional abuse, not safety or peace in my home (to be clear, it was not my then husband and it’s quite the complicated story that I’ll write more on soon). Much of what I was navigating was so painful, tumultuous, and unrelatable that people would distance themselves from me or even worse, blame me for the trauma I was at the mercy of, after I spoke about it - if for no other reason than not knowing what to say.
Talk about feeling kicked while you’re down.
I will repeat - there doesn’t have to be malice or the intention of harm in order for pain or trauma to exist.
That said “emotional dumping” (more on that here) is a LOT for people with their own sets of problems to handle. It often was a “back away slowly” situation, I’d assume. I’m not sure, really, because the people I was the most vulnerable with at that time disappeared from my life like ghosts. When you’re in the lowest point of your life, watching what support system you have crumble away is soul-crushing….so then comes the transition. This often looks like:
"Choosing” the lone wolf life, because no one understands what you’re feeling so you just stop talking
Self-isolating + fierce independence
Never asking for help even when you desperately need it, because you’re terrified no one will come through for you (again) and you can’t take that pain on top of everything you’re already managing.
Putting the mask on every day. The smile. The version of you people have come to know, like, and expect (nevermind the tremendous weight doing that every day creates)
Pouring into work (or other outlets where you’re successful), because when you’re thinking about that and driving forward professionally, you don’t have to feel the rest of it (plus you get awards and “attaboys” and accolades! Yay external validation for the “pick me up” Oof.)
Then THAT gets exhausting. I was no longer able to bury the deep rooted desire (because it’s a very normal, very human desire) to feel seen, heard, connected, and appreciated. To have people that loved + supported me. To have help if I needed or wanted it (or even just someone I felt like I could ask without feeling ashamed or scared). To stop hiding from myself and from others. To have energy to live my life (living without being able to process from all of these big, heavy, complicated emotions is EXHAUSTING).
I wanted to finally feel like I had control of my life again. I wanted to laugh from my belly again…hell, I wanted to feel anything other than emptiness & numbness. I wanted to be able to chat and hang out with my friends. I wanted to have the energy to want to. I wanted my soul to be peaceful. I wanted to FEEL confident in myself and happy with ME and figure out who the hell that even was at that point after the chameleon-ing and the trauma and the heartbreak. I wanted to figure out who I actually was when I stopped listening to what everyone else thought I should be.
Turns out, I’m this. ;-) I’m a heart-on-her-sleeve tornado of love and gratitude in the flesh (you can read more about who I am now here, too).
Oh. What happened in between?
Trial and error. A lot of it. Heavy on the error. Finally trying to set boundaries and quitting the habit of saying yes when I wanted to say no and having both of them come out like rage, because I was still carrying SO MUCH frustration and pain.
A metric fuck ton of self-help books and motivation (lemme tell ya how helpful those were - insert eye roll here)
Finally feeling like I was making progress scaling the mountain only to roll straight back to the bottom of it.
A trial (or a lot of trial) in traditional therapy. Hard pass, thanks. They mean well, they REALLY do…and they’re very smart. It’s just that almost none of them have lived the pain they were trying to teach me to heal/process/grow through. “How does that make you feel?” “Uh…how thafuk do you think it makes me feel?” (Did I mention I’m sarcastic sometimes?)
Trying to meditate and journal, because that’s what the books said to do. Fail. (Incidentally, now I meditate daily if not multiple times per day, but at the time…fail.)
Guess what happened after allllll that hard work? Not a single damn thing.
Not a single.damn.thing.
And then I figured out I didn’t need more information. I had it all. All of the information. Overwhelming amounts of the information.
The “aha” moment finally came. What I needed to to do was stop listening to what other people told me I needed to feel in order to heal. I needed to stop waiting for other people to understand or validate my pain or my life experience. I needed to stop giving the keys to my life to other people in the hopes they would drive me where I wanted to go.
What I needed was to turn inward. I needed to figure out what I needed.
HELL YEAH! BOOM! Solved my own problem just like a true loner.
…or did I?
Haha…spoiler alert. Read Morgan Freeman’s voice here “No…no she did not. She thought she did, but she was strapping in for another ride on the trial and error roller coaster.”
It worked out this time, though. It was tumultuous, but forward progressing. Bit by bit, I freed myself from all of the past pain I was carrying around. Bit by bit, I explored who I actually was and leaned into things I loved.
I am abundantly grateful to teach people the tools I used to finally break through my stuckness. To finally begin to experience the “other side” of life - you know the one. The one where you’re surrounded by people that love and support you and the past isn’t haunting you anymore. The one where you have energy and health and passion and drive. The one where you feel confident + sexy + heard + understood. The one where you have the control over how you feel, how you spend your time, what happens in your day, the activities and work you’re diving into.
The amazingly powerful thing is, I still use every single tool I used then in the now. Life isn’t going to stop throwing curveballs just because I’ve changed my mindset, stepped into the fullest version of yourself, and realized my purpose + passions.
This is why if you ask me who my best client is, I’ll tell you it’s me. :-) And as I’m constantly using these tools, and I’m constantly evolving and growing and succeeding at different levels, I tweak them and improve them and expand upon them all the time.
If you’re ready to learn the 12 tools that will finally shift you out of stuck forever….12 tools that you’ll be using for the rest of your life…I’d love to talk with you about the journey.
With all my love,
Beth
